The Sandwich Generation, those caught between their aging parents and young children, includes some 20 million Americans.
In this emotionally charged account of family caregiving, filmmaker Julie Winokur and her husband, photojournalist Ed Kashi, expose their personal lives with unflinching candor. Winokur and Kashi uprooted their two children and their business in order to move 3,000 miles cross-country to care for Winokur's father, Herbie.
At 83, Herbie suffers from dementia and can no longer live alone. Winokur and Kashi are faced with difficult choices and overwhelming responsibility as they charge head on through their Sandwich years. It is a story of love, family dynamics and the immeasurable sacrifice of those who are caught in the middle.
Twenty million Americans are faced with caring for both aging parents and young children. In The Sandwich Generation, one family exposes with unflinching candor its emotionally charged account of family caregiving.
Note: Not all comments will be posted due to space and time constraints.
bob green -- los angelees, ca, usa
July 28, 2009 at 6:16 PM
My mom died of Alzheimers a year ago. It was hard. I was in LA and she was in NY. I did find an interesting service. They are called Friendly Jingle and they do reassurance calls for the elderly. They supplemented my calls and geve me a lot of comfort. If you could use this service, I recommend searching for them on line.
Stephanie Webster -- Marion, Ohio, USA
May 24, 2009 at 11:02 PM
I just wanted to let you know that I am a 21-year-old college student graduating in two weeks and I had to write my final research paper for an Aging class, and after viewing your documentary in my class, I chose The Sandwich Generation as my topic. I had never been extremely interested in gerontology until I saw this documentary. After that, I kept thinking back to it and I wanted to know more. Thank you for sharing your story and for getting me interested.
Elise Thompson -- Hickory, NC, USA
Apr 27, 2009 at 3:13 PM
Thank you for sharing your life with the world. I am single and the only child of my 85 and 87 year old parents. My dad is blind, has had a stroke, has progressive dementia. My mom is still able to care for herself most of the time.They did not plan for their elder care, and I had to quit working two years ago to care for them both. I have aged considerably since then, and I'm only 50. I dread daily decisions between caring for them or myself.
Linda Rosenbaum -- Buffalo, NY, USA
Mar 30, 2009 at 11:46 AM
My 77 year old father recently died in a rehab center from lung disease after many years of smoking. My mother, other siblings and I had sixteen years of agonizing decisions about his care; from repeated hospitalizations, surgery or not, rehab, health care proxy, dnr, and the decision about amputation. Watching him lose himself slowly after each surgery. One Dr. saying he was getting better, another saying he was much worse - at the same time. A roller coaster ride, and we are changed forever.
Luis Lara -- MEXICO CITY
Mar 20, 2009 at 2:36 AM
I lived the same experience with my mother in law, she passed the way 2 years ago, but now I'm thinking about my own dad, and I pray to God to give the strength needed to take care of him.In mexico there's another fenomena sons that are poorer than their parents and they are not making it so good as they should, ad to that, the crappy health services and the lack of elders care culture. Thank you for sharing this to the world.
Elizabeth Lee -- Maryland, USA
Mar 1, 2009 at 11:13 PM
Thank you. As my daughter and I prepare to have my 87 yr old mother move in with us, I have shared all of your emotions. Perhaps the most important and poignant note was made towards the end, i.e., that this is both a gift and a lesson in love.
Joseph Bolt -- Northampton, England
Nov 24, 2008 at 6:52 PM
Was really moved by these images in National Geographic and was pleased to find this on MediaStorm. This video really captures his sense of humor and character. As a photographer myself I would like to think that Kashi's pictures on their own say enough but without the film you don't see the joyous and playful side of Herbie's character. Two sides of the same coin I guess, Winokur and Kashi compliment eachother and both of their talents are needed to tell this story as they are both needed for Herbie.
sari -- united kingdom
Nov 19, 2008 at 8:07 AM
it is very sad to see old folks who don't have lovely family to take care of them They did the right thing to take care their grand father and dad. Our parents sacrific their dreams and livehood to bring us into this world and they took care of us to have better future. It is our responsibilities as children to look after them till they pass away. UK has one of the countries that I feel neglects the old people, where most are thrown in nursing home. This video is a good example that the sacrifics they all made for herbie, they are blessed with satifaction and unconditional love and compassion , where this day ana age it is lacking in the world.
Margaret Patrick -- Baltimore, Maryland
Nov 9, 2008 at 5:55 PM
I am not alone. I up-rooted my family three years ago to move into my mothers home to take care of her. She was very set in her ways. She is a pack rat and refuses to throw anything away. When we put things in the trash, we have to drive it to the dumpster. She controlled everything. My daughter's hamster died because we could not bring it into the home. We would drive over every other day to the house to feed it and check on him; however one day he died and my daughter blames my mother. My mother has has COPD and it has been extremely stressful on the entire family. I am a special educator and my husband is a warehouse supervisor that works at night. My daughter has tried to commit suicide because of the situation and I have been diagnosed with panic attacks as well. We get no help or assistance from other family members. I have a brother and 6 neices and nephews. We are now moving. The house next door is available and we are moving in a few weeks. I will still be close to my mom and my children will have their own space as well. I did not know what else to do. I live my children and I love my mom.
sonia del castillo -- ontario, canada
Nov 5, 2008 at 11:53 PM
What a wonderful work you guys have done; I am taking Gerontology and I can read and study, but through your experience and I can actually see it (in your video): the care and love that our seniors deserve.... you did it, God Bless you. Thank you for sharing
Jennifer Desmond -- New York, NY
Oct 26, 2008 at 9:46 AM
For hundreds of years families have been taking care of their old and their young under one roof, without becoming martyrs. The fact that there is even a concept such as the "sandwich generation" just highlights how far away from the natural process of caring for your family we have come societally. Caring for your aging parents, or in my case grandparent, is a terrible, sad, process. It is the full circle of the human experience.
Sandi Mayer -- Lodi, CA
Oct 13, 2008 at 12:48 PM
My father has had dementia/alzheimers for almost 10 years. My mother was his primary care giver up until about 2 yrs ago. We sold our house and built one large enough for them to live with us so that we could help with the day to day care. Caring for a person with dementia/alzheimers is vey time intensive and heart wrenching. Although we were able to help out with things that needed to be done my mother was his main care giver during the day. We were able to get him into a day care so that she would have time to herself for about 4-5 hrs a day. As with alot of people with this disease he started to become more violent and several times took to yelling at her and pushing her. After some deep soul searching my sister and I worried that she would be hurt during one of these outbreaks we convinced her that in his best interest he would be better off in a care home. The disese has progressed quite quickly in the last 6 moths. He can no longer walk , feed himself and is confined to a wheelchair, only speaks in grunts, growls and whistles. It take 3 orderlys to bath and dress him everyday. I do believe it was the best decision all around but the most difficult one we had to make. My mother now lives with us and the stress she had was overwhelming. I believe the saying the the caregiver is physically drained and there health deteriorates quickly. I love both my parents and just want what is best for the both of them.
Norma Vasquez -- Austin, TX
Sep 19, 2008 at 3:04 PM
I enjoyed watching this video and I to take care of my aging parents, both of them to be exact. My husband and I have an 8 year old but our biggest problem right now is we have out grown our home and times are tight. For the last 3 years our boy has slept in our bed and he is too big now he wants his own room. We are thinking about converting the garage into a bedroom there is no other choice. I could go on and on about how our life is but the video pretty much says it all. My husband is an angel to put up with the all the late night drama that sometimes happens. You do what you do because you love your parents they took care of you and now it's our turn.
Larry Glinzman -- Ormond Beach, FL USA
Jul 16, 2008 at 12:39 AM
It was very helpful to see the video, having just done the same thing with my Dad who finally surrendered to Dementia / Alzheimers. I wish we could have seen this before hand as it would have been a great relief to my Mom who was Dad's primary caregiver. It was hard to watch him deteriorate and hard to see him go. there is no happy ending, just an ending.
Kely -- San Diego, CA USA
Jul 10, 2008 at 12:03 PM
I am right now considering moving back to Pa to help my mother. she is in her mid-70s and still insists on mowing the lawn and shoveling the snow. While she is extemely active around her house she has fallen and will probably eventually hurt herself. I would not live at her house but close enough to help. She is proud and independent and for right now that's ok, and maybe it will always be ok but I need to be there just in case it isn't. I foresee moving back within the year. Your story will be repeated by many and many need to know it is ok to be a little angry and ok to be a little afraid- but family is just that- FAMILY. thanks for allowing us to share a portion of your life.
Mimi -- West Palm Beach, FL USA
Jul 9, 2008 at 10:31 PM
Thank you for sharing your wonderful story. Herbie is adorable! he sounds like my Mother, we are also a family like yours in many ways. After seeing my husband's gradmother deteriorate in a nursing home, he is more sure everyday that we're doing the right thing-both my parents live w/us (in attached in-law quarters). I am so sorry to hear of Herbie's passing, I was not aware until I watched the second video. God knows you did the right thing!
Diane -- Rockville, MD
Jul 2, 2008 at 3:33 PM
What an inspiring film that you documented of your father. What a special time in each of your lives and the sacrafice you had to give to know that you did the right thing. I am afraid soon that I will have to make the same decision and hope that I have enough courage that you both had.
Raul -- Mazatlan, Sin, Mexico
Jul 2, 2008 at 2:56 PM
A moving experience. Two of my grandparents had dementia as well as my father. My mother has Parkinson now.Thank you for allowing me to mirror my family in your sensational documentary.Thank you for making a respectful and dignified document about a family learning the final stage of life.
Michelle -- Denver, CO USA
Jul 2, 2008 at 11:57 AM
I wish this clip would have mentioned something about the CNA's or (home care helpers) that were seen at the end. Talk about an unappreciated, low-paying, hands-on-job that makes a HUGE difference in the daily care of seniors at home.You think a private CNA is expensive? Try a nursing home where it will not only be more expensive but your loved will not probably not receive the attention they need (or paid for either!)
Brij Bhushan -- New Delhi, India
Jul 2, 2008 at 10:34 AM
My father is 86 years and suffers from multiple age related ailments but is usually high spirited and we still look up to him. We l(a joint family of families of 4 brothers) ive with him in the house he built. It is difficult to say who is taking care of whom. Wishing a longer, conscious togettherness for Herbie and the family and may the inevitable close of innings be peaceful.
Lainey -- Connecticut, USA
Jul 2, 2008 at 9:04 AM
This brings back memories of us aking care of my Dad after his motorcycle accident. He had major head injuries. He went through 5 major operations before dying a few years later. We took care of him, because he was child-like due to brain trauma in the beginning. He also had crying jags and violent bouts, where he'd chase me around the house. He suffered greatly, but was happiest most when at home, not in the hospital. He died of an infection that would be easily taken care of htese days, but wasn't diagnosed in time back in the 1980's. Then we took care of my Mom who had lung cancer at a young age. We watched her go from a self-sufficient Mom into a frail, thin shadow. She was very angry at losing control of everything in life. We were taking care of her, and that just didn't make any sense to her at all. It was heart breaking. Also, our grandfather lived with us inbetween. He had dimentia, but nothing like your Dad. So, I can totally relate and empathize with what you're going through in taking care of your Dad. It's a beautiful story, and you need to keep documenting it. People need to know that this is how we should help the elderly, our parents and relatives. We need to share the wealth and burden of it. There also needs to be accessible resources for families who work full-time, so that they can have help at home; instead of being faced with putting a parent in a nursing home. I know my parents wanted to die gracefully in their own home, with their family close by, and not in some cold, strange place.It warmed my heart to see this, and gives me hope about humanity. Stay strong and know that you are doing the right thing, and even though it is getting more difficult. When it's all over, you will actually look back and be happy you did it and also question why you didn't do more. That's the nature of it.
Sandy -- Evanston, IL, USA
Jul 2, 2008 at 8:38 AM
I see in your film, an annoying arrogance towards Herbie. This reminds me of how much nicer I could have been to my mother in the same time of her life. I was blessed with taking care of my sick mother from 2002 until her death in 2004 at age 89. My instinct is to say, your attitude is totally selfish. All you could think about was how it burdened you to care for Herbie, and what an intrusion it was into your lives. Why didn't you just put him into assisted living and forget about it and go on with your lives. You act as if you are great martyrs. In reality you could have been more thankful of all the gifts Herbie gave you by being there for you in his final years and when you were young.
Elaine -- Western New Jersey
Jul 1, 2008 at 7:33 PM
I cried when I watched this emotional and beautiful piece. I too had been thru a similar situation. Our families worked together to care for my mother. We did all we could and realized we could not do it alone anymore. We needed a facility for her to be cared for 24 hours a day both my sister and I worked fulltime. We made that painful decision . I appreciated that you enjoy time with him but unfortunately this disease is relentless and you need your health and your life.
Ins -- Lisboa, Portugal
Apr 4, 2008 at 10:21 AM
Awesome! Incredible portrait of a common situation. Congratulations.
Marietta Toscano-Chaky -- Ocala, FL
Mar 1, 2008 at 8:50 PM
My mother passed away Feb. 12, 2008. She was 92. I would like to share my mother's words with you. When I asked if she was okay with the decisions I was making for her she placed her hands around mine and said, "Marietta, God placed your hands in mine when you were born and I took care of you and loved you and you trusted me." Here she slipped her hands through mine and said,"Now God has placed my hands in yours and you take care of me and love me. I trust you."There are times when I need to hear that other people feel lost or angry or unsure of themselves while carrying for an aging parent. My grief is new and it's raw but there is no guilt. Thank you for this video. My prayers are with you.
Sam -- Chicago, IL
Jan 28, 2008 at 3:37 PM
I think you all should be very proud of yourselves. You couldn't give a greater gift to Herbie than what you are doing right now. I too laughed at times while watching this; I too needed those laughs to hold back the tears. And I too was blessed with the necessity to care for my mother under identical conditions. My sister and I cared for our mother for 27 years following my father's death. My mother passed away of pneumonia on December 4, 2007 at the age of 86. I know that it is difficult to handle Herbie's daily needs of bathing, dressing, meds, meals, and stimulation. Stimulation was always the hardest for us, but they desperately need to do things... it keeps them in the now. Another difficult aspect of caring for someone with dementia (don't let them tell you it's Alzheimer's,) is the medications the doctors want to put them on. I would be willing to bet less is better in most cases, some meds are downright cruel. There is no cure for dementia, no magic pill. Just a slow fading that continues, sometimes stops, sometimes continues again for awhile. Everyone's different. My mother reached a certain point and kind of stayed there until the end. She always knew who we were, we were lucky for that. She lost her ability to walk, possibly because she became dependent on the wheelchair I requested to protect her from falling.The most important thing I can say is to try and recognize when you've reached your limit, and need a break. You need to take care of yourselves first, to be great caregivers. My sister and I instinctively knew when to take the reins from one another; she was doing more near the end. I have tons of advice; please feel free to ask...Good luck, and God Bless
Wanda Goodwin - Picture Editor- Toronto Star -- Toronto, Canada
Aug 30, 2007 at 5:45 PM
A beautiful moving story told with such honesty.
Di Russell -- Australia
Jun 18, 2007 at 9:19 PM
Thank you for such a tasteful and dignified portrail of an inevitable trend. I only had the privilige of caring for my mum at home for 10 days but I spent six months of tending her in hospital and a frail care facility. It is as you said a hard but worthwhile road. One that you only have one chance of taking.
Renee Herman -- Overland Park, KS USA
Jun 11, 2007 at 9:05 PM
I laughed at times throughout this presentation, mostly because it's so close to home that if I didn't, I'd cry. Laughing felt good...it's always nice to know we're not alone. Our situation is a little different though as this month, I raced home (several states away...because my parents refused to move to our state when they got needy and we just couldn't move there and uproot our family and find my husband a new job) because my mother was "dying"...two weeks later, our son graduated from HS. Ugh...two major losses are staring me in my face...my mom, the parent I was hoping to have support me when our child left home for college...and our son, who is a great support especially when it comes to being kind and tender about grandma. Truly, as my parents are in their 70's, I never, ever thought I'd be in this "sandwich" mode...yet here I am. Oh how I miss the strength of those who used to support me! Thanks for sharing your story...you are an amazing family! God bless you! I believe in the wisdom of scripture to "honor your father and mother that it will go well with you..." and surely this is what I pray for your family!All I can think to ask is "has the filling for your favorite sandwich spread changed?" I used to like PBJ...maybe egg salad with a bit of chopped pickle fits me better these days...all I know is that some days, I only know that I hate sandwiches no matter the filling!
No name -- no address
Apr 29, 2007 at 10:14 AM
I am a single divoiced female who is caring for my 92 year old grandmother and my 12 year old daughter. I worked full time as a Ombudsman who advocates for peolpe who live in nursing homes and personal care homes. I can relate to how Julie feels however, I do not have anyone to share the responsibility with as Julie does. I am looking for support groups to talk with. None of my friends are in my situation, therefore they do not understand how stressed I am.
Michael Lange -- Vibrorg, Denmark
Apr 25, 2007 at 3:40 AM
Thank you, I cried. Thank you!
Susan Ito -- Oakland, CA, USA
Feb 12, 2007 at 9:01 AM
I cried when I watched this film. It was so moving to me. My 84 year old mother is living with me, my husband and two daughters and although it is challenging and complicated on so many levels, I wouldn't have it any other way. (we moved her from NJ to CA to be with us instead of moving to her) The tenderness that this family showed toward Herbie was so moving. I write a column called Life in the Sandwich which chronicles our own journey together. Thank you for your work. Thank you so much.
Kathy Zimmerman -- Portland, OR, USA
Jan 22, 2007 at 11:50 PM
I appreciate so much your candid honesty in telling your story. I am a graduate student at George Fox University and formulating a research question on the Sandwich generation. My heart is drawn to the compassion, the sacrifice, and the stress and worry adult children of aging parents face when trying to determine what is best for your parents, your children, your marriage relationship and your lives. I was moved by your story. I would like to share it with the research team I will be working with if you do not mind. Blessings, Kathy
Monica Ferraro -- Quincy, MA, USA
Jan 8, 2007 at 8:31 PM
Moving , so emotional. I am giving a talk to a group of professional women on the "sandwich generation." May I play the video as it is so descriptive? Thank you.
Jennell -- Santa Rosa, CA, USA
Dec 15, 2006 at 12:43 AM
Thank you...I am a 34 year old woman, soon to be mother of 3. My mother, one of 14 children, age 54 is trying to hold down her full time job, be a wife and keep my 86 year old grandmother in her own home. I am watching my mother's struggles and am so saddened. My grandmother had 14 children and all but 3 live near by. And all but 2 want her in a home (facility). My mother spends every weekend, sleeps at her house 2-3 times a week, and has hired many live in caregivers; my aunt does the other days with her two children in tow. (This has been going on for over 4 years now and each year grandmas health weakens.) The other 12 siblings have either checked out or want to move my grandmother away from her home and put her in a home/hospital 4 hours away. It will come to a head this Christmas....As there will be a "family" meeting. My question is: How do you deal with siblings? And how can a validate my mother and auntie...I am so worried about their health...Thank you so much for this fabulous documentary, as I feel it is a validation for these two special women to see that they are not alone and that they are doing the right thing. Hang in there! What you are showing your children is truly beautiful. Happy Holidays.
Clarice Lechner-Hyman -- Edgewater, Florida, USA
Dec 14, 2006 at 12:17 PM
My sincerest regards to the entire family in this difficult situation. You are living the best lesson your children could learn in life . You are "growing your souls" all of you. I am an 84 year old retired nurse caring for my 97 year old husband at home. I have wonderful help now and can count on my children, not his, to relieve me at times. I am grateful each day that he can still dress himself, get his breakfast and read the NY Times. He wants to live!!!! May you learn to take enough time so that you can keep patient and loving in spite of all the stress!
Esther Pennarts -- Holland, Netherlands
Nov 6, 2006 at 6:19 AM
What a great film about Herbie, so realistic and so emotional, we are in the middle of almost the same situation. We are dividing the care for my father with caretakers organisation here in the village and a lot of volunteers. He is still living in his own house 80 years old, he has no Alzheimer but is almost blind, lost my mum and have a kidney insufficiency problem. With four children we are constantly searching for the balance between work, children, friends and taking care of our dad.
I think these kind of films must be shown often, so everybody could learn from it. More people getting older and less money goes to the care/health organisations here in this country!
Thank you for making this film, we are inspired by your work, thanks!! I will send the url to a lot of friends here in Holland.
Kind regards Esther Pennarts
Bob Stewart -- Toronto, Canada
Oct 25, 2006 at 7:52 PM
This is a remarkable account of aging, and ultimately, the human condition. Julie and Ed are especially well suited to tell this story and they have done so with honesty, integrity and above all, love. This is not only photojournalism and film making at its very best, it's about living. It's also about acknowledging and celebrating a meaningful life. Well done.
Daryl Moen -- Columbia, MO, USA
Aug 1, 2006 at 11:21 AM
This is a real story told with love and pain. Because it is unvarnished, it has more impact. I wish everyone could see and hear it.
Barbara -- Gdynia, Poland
Jul 27, 2006 at 9:16 AM
Amazing piece. I am really moved. Although where I come from - Eastern Europe - it is absolutely normal and expected from you to take care of your parents when they grow old. The movie and photos showed in the beautiful and honest way all the aspects of having an old, weak but still wonderful parent at your home.
Nicholas Weissman -- Los Angeles, California, USA
Jul 26, 2006 at 1:54 PM
Mr. Kashi spoke at Brooks Institute of Photography two years ago and words cannot express how impactful he was on my journalism career. He spoke about travelling to Europe to photograph the streets that his grandparents grew up on as well as the Aging in America piece. I appreciate more than anything that the two of you have taken the tabboo of the elderly and embraced it in order to bring people back to their family roots.
Jane Menyawi -- Washington D.C. USA
Jul 26, 2006 at 11:31 AM
Powerful, important, compationate. All of the good things that story telling can do - it evokes emotion - pain and joy and tells simple truths - plus the intimacy of a very difficult, personal, inevitable experience. Bravo to the Kashi family!
Rick Friedman -- Boston, MA, USA
Jul 26, 2006 at 10:24 AM
An incredibly well done, emotional piece that hits close to home for many of this generation.
David Farmerie -- Nashville, Tennessee, USA
Jul 25, 2006 at 10:28 PM
The quality of the material on MediaStorm is never less than incredible. This piece, by Winokur and Kashi, upholds that tradition with flying colors. It is engaging, informative, and, most of all, a true, unfiltered window into the lives of these people.This piece is one that needs to be seen in every media outlet available.
I think these kind of films must be shown often, so everybody could learn from it. More people getting older and less money goes to the care/health organisations here in this country!
Thank you for making this film, we are inspired by your work, thanks!! I will send the url to a lot of friends here in Holland.
Kind regards Esther Pennarts